dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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