I wish I only lived at night.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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