The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
