this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
