oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
They have beer where we have blood.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
