It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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