R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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