Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
