i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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