I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
