Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize