Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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