so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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