i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
