This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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