I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize