If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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