Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
