hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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