There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
