You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
