Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
