apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
