8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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