My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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