i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
