I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
