what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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