3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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