the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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