She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you win again, gameday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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