I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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