I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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