these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
