I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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