got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think i got beer on your cat.
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