Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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