happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
