I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
