Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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