so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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