This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
