I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I did not marry a roomba.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
