I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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