idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
