i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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