The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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