did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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