Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize