I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
