The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
