We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
