I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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