I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
tell me about the eggs
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