I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
