nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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