____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
