so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
