I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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