you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
