who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
