My Higher Power is John Stamos
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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