This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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