apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize