don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
