I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
