I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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