I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
