Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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