our cab driver is having phone sex.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
